Give it Up Already...

“Come unto Me and I will give you rest.”

So I’ve been thinking a lot about surrender. Sweet surrender. The kind of surrender that takes place when we are tired of holding things together, carrying burdens, or being the backbone for those around us. I personally love to help people and love the feeling of being needed. I feel like a superhero when people come to me for advice. I feel like a true friend when someone calls me up because they need someone to listen. I feel like a real daughter when my parents ask me to pray with or for them. I feel like a mother when my little brother comes to me crying and hurt and just wants to be held. But at what point is it ok to need someone else? At what point is it alright to break down and cry? At what point is it ok to want to be held?

It’s right now…

Every time I struggle I tend to hold it up until I hit a breaking point. And every time my Father has to pull me into Him. Why do I wait? Why can’t I just let Him take it all ALL the time? I really think it is because of fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of not wanting to fail. However by not giving it to Him I’m not allowing Him to work and that would be the real tragedy. His yoke is easy and His burden is light and He is beckoning me to fall into Him. To find that sweet surrender. It drives me crazy that I can’t get that through my head. I become so afraid that once I give it up I won’t have someone to hold me and take care of me. It’s almost as if I find security in being burdened down. I shouldn’t fling it off but put it on to Him and myself with it, and the burden will be lightened by the sense of companionship. He wants to take it all AND hold me.

This has been my battle for the last few weeks and has kept me up for much of the night. If I wasn’t waking up several times I was up until almost 4:00am. I gave it up yesterday and wouldn’t you know it, I slept all night long. It was awesome. I have been a happy girl with a peaceful spirit all day. I don’t have a heavy load and an aching heart. That isn’t my portion and I’m not going to take it.

I am free.

I feel beautiful.

I feel lovely.

I feel like I can dance again.

Get ready to watch me twirl...

The Burning Heart

My heart has been burning lately. I have fallen on my face before my God pleading for His grace and guidance in my life on what to do and where to go and in turn His has set me ablaze.

When we surrender and learn to abide in Him there is a fire kindled in us. It is with each bad day, difficult circumstance, and hell around us that will blow in and put it out UNLESS we make the choice to reside in Him. When that happens that wind ushers in a consuming fire and the enemy has no ground. The victory has already been won, am I NOT going to let the adversary claim what is not his.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name. YOU ARE MINE. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flam scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.”- Isaiah 32:1-3

We are His and when we acknowledge and declare that, we cannot be defeated.

In that verse it talks about fire as a negative thing but I’m talking about fire in the sense of passion and desire for righteousness. I am realizing that with the fire comes vision and purpose. It gives me a reason ‘why’ and the strength to press through. He lights us up so that we don’t become discouraged or complacent. How often have you let your emotions overrun you? I know I’ve been guilty more than once! Many times its not because of sin necessarily but of ignorance of our human nature. That is why it is SO important to educate ourselves with the Law of God.

“If it be an emotion kindled by the Spirit of God and you do not let that emotion have its right issue in your life, it will react on a lower level. The higher the emotion is, the deeper the degradation will be, if it is not worked out on its proper level. If the Spirit of God has stirred you, make as many things inevitable as possible, let the consequences be what they will. We cannot stay on the mount of transfiguration, but we must obey the light we receive there, we must act it out. When God gives a vision, transact business on that line, not matter what it costs.”-Oswald Chambers

What kind of fire is consuming you? Are you surrendering to the Law of God or being attacked with the adversary’s tactics? Are you going to yield under pressure or have the tenacity to fight through and claim the victory that your Father has already won for you? It’s not something to be taken lightly; it’s a matter of life and death.

“We cannot kindle when we will
The fire which in the heart resides,
The spirit bloweth and is still,
In mysery our soul abides;
But tasks in hour of insight will’d
Can be through hours of gloom fulfill’d.”

Am I Lovely?

I started reading the book “Captivating” by John and Staci Eldridge this morning. (Thanks again, Bethany!) I have read his book “Wild at Heart” and even though it is intended for men, I read it from the woman’s perspective of “this is what to look for in a man”. Captivating covers much of the same material but dives so much deeper into the heart of a woman.

Growing up I wasn’t really a tomboy but I wasn't the prima ballerina either. I loved dressing up and looking nice but after a few hours couldn’t wait to get home, destroy the pantyhose I had been wearing, and put on some jeans. I have gone back and forth the last few years in the extremes of hardcore cowgirl to princess (literally, while I was dairy princess I pretty much ate up that whole persona). I think it really stemmed from trying to find my identity and been so easily swayed by whatever season of life I was in. I would say in the past year and a half I have learned to find my identity in Christ and now I can let HIM say who I am. I don’t have to fit into a mold of one character or another. I am simply a woman of diversity and regardless of where or who I am around, I am first and foremost a daughter of God. It does not matter if I’m wearing Carhartt’s helping a cow deliver a calf, or if I’m dressed in a business suit giving a speech. It doesn’t matter if I am sporting my Mossy Oak baseball cap and Tony Lamas (those are cowboy boots:)) pulling flank straps at a bull riding or if I’m wearing high heels and my ‘skinny jeans’ as I am at my town job. It doesn’t matter if I’m making dinner for my family in a hoodie or if I’m wearing a cocktail dress dining with state representatives. At the end of the day I’m still the same woman. I’m still a princess in the King’s high court. I can be eating steak and potatoes at the café in the sale barn with a bunch of old, rough, weathered cowboys and at the same time, the Lord is summoning me to fine dining at His banqueting table. I LOVE that! Without finding my identity in my Creator, I am nothing but a mixed up girl who doesn’t really know what she wants. Yet if I choose to let Him adorn me with His presence, I can do all of those things (as Craig Morgan puts it, "a slice of the country and Fifth Avenue":)) and still be exactly who He created me to be…His bride.

I really can’t imagine it getting any more exciting. If that doesn’t make you want to dance with Him I don’t know what will. Women try so hard to be ‘something’, to be beautiful, to be loved. They strive for it more than anything else. But without putting on the garments of Christ, our striving is in vain.

Now a few of you have heard me talk about ‘mystery’:). It is something that every woman possesses. What a gift from God! However not ever woman uses it correctly and most abuse it terribly. Mystery is that beauty that is hidden and cultivated for our one and only. It is hidden in the very deepest part of our heart and the only way to unlock it is through love and adoration. When we let God work in us and build our character, we are letting Him add to that. But if we try to do things in our own strength and try to ‘be better’ without the Lord’s leading, we are doomed as are the poor men who are then left to figure us out! Mystery without cultivation becomes confusion. I really don’t think we were meant to be read like a book. What excitement is there in that? God uses so many things to draw us to His face. The only way true mystery can be maintained is through trusting the Father and the only way a man can receive that is by romancing and caring for his bride which He learns by searching for the Father’s heart. That is why nothing brings glory to the Father like a God ordained marriage.

Men need a battle to fight, woman need to feel ‘needed’ in the battle, to help and support their man. Men have to LIVE adventure and woman need to be apart, ‘come with you’ on the journey. Men desire a beauty to rescue and a woman strives to have a beauty worth unveiling. Wow…God is so amazing!
He doesn’t want us to settle on ‘good’. He doesn’t want us to settle on ‘nice’. This is so prevalent in our culture today. This amazing God originated process has been abused and reduced to girls having no value of their worth and flaunting whatever mystery they had in hopes to lure a man who MIGHT love her. In turn, a man can’t be expected to respect a woman who doesn’t respect herself. Women become cattle, notches in the belt, and means to an end of self gratification.

If they only knew…

If they only knew how much our Father loves them and delights in our presence! How have we come this far? More importantly, how are we going to reverse the cycle? This alone makes my stand for righteousness and purity worth it. Not only will I reap the benefits of God’s highest but perhaps it would bring hope to those who are lost. Oh I pray!!!

Like I said before, it doesn’t matter who is around me or what I wear, at the end of the day I know that I am a daughter of the King and THAT is more than enough...

Worth the process...Year in review

It's about time I write another post, 'eh? I have been in such a reflective mood lately and wanting to write but just haven't quite been able to articulate it enough to put into words. I had been thinking about doing a 'year in review' and after seeing that Morgan did one I'm inspired:) Here ya' go....

The year didn't exactly start off on the right foot for me spiritually. I was in a rebellion, was careless with all of my relationships, and would try to convince you till I was blue in the face that "my relationship with God is just fine!" ( I was so full of it!) Being raised in a Christian home, being home schooled, and having my only friends be from the church gave me a REALLY good idea on how I was supposed to act, what I was supposed to say, etc...I could rattle off anything you wanted me to say about the Lord and His principles without thinking. I was numb to it and didn't have heart behind what I was saying. In every area of my life I was saying one thing and doing another. My relationship with my family (especially with my sister) suffered, and I had pretty much quit pursuing the Father. I became really good at keeping up my 'good girl' exterior but my heart was pretty much rotting. As my mom puts it, I was deceitfully wicked:). This season of stupidity and self-gratification lasted about 3 months (January-March). God used a few people in my life as a wake up call and I fell on my face immediately. I think the strain of wearing a facade wore me down and I eventually broke down. I've gotta admit I felt pretty ugly at the time. For the next couple months I started making more advances and gaining ground, but at a very slow pace. In the midst of this I got a part time job in town working for the NDSU Extension Service as an administrative assistant. I had been working for the dairy and getting bored so I figured adding another 20 hrs of work would help:).

The beginning of April brought with it the best part of the spring, RODEO SEASON!!! The North Dakota Junior High Wrangler Division asked if I would be their official photographer so I jumped at the opportunity. At this time I also started getting a lot closer with my family and spent every spare moment I could with them. Being with them really challenged my relationship with the Lord and I guess you could say this is when I turned my heart back around. As soon as I did the blessings started pouring! They mostly came in the form of my business. Along with shooting for the Wrangler rodeos I took pictures for the High School circuit, Western Edge Bullriders, and started taking senior and family pictures. I had some form of photo shoot almost every weekend I also took on more jobs at the dairy and was working full time there, while still juggling the office job. Life was CRAZY but I absolutely loved it. At the end of April my entire family took a two week trip to Washington. As it came closer to leaving time it was apparent that things at the farm weren't going to run smoothly without an extra hand and either Dad and I would have to stay. I wasn't going to let Mom take the kids by herself so I stayed and helped run things. Skyler also stayed back to keep me company (and because he didn't want to take a break from his bullriding season). Those two weeks were insanely stressful and I'm pretty sure it was during that time that I became quite positive I never wanted to OWN a dairy myself. LOL. My parents homecoming was such a sweet day (April 30th to be exact:). Oh, and I almost forgot that I had been 'ranch sitting' for a guy during the last couple months as well. A friend bought a ranch 12 miles from us and had cattle there but lived too far away to actually check on them so I went out there every other day to water and check fences, cows, etc... It was so much fun and that's probably when I decided that I like beef cows a lot more and settled on wanting to be a rancher. Haha

May was pretty much I blur, Kortney graduated and I remember her party being a huge deal and spending a LOT of time with that. I also was the photographer for a memorial bull riding. This one meant a lot to me because it was for a dear friend and because I was an arena sponsor. (For those of you who don't know what that is, my business was the 2nd corporate sponsor for this rodeo and they put a banner with my name on it. MAJOR publicity!!!).

June and July were crazy as well, especially at the office because we were preparing for our county fair coming up in August. The last week of July Mom, Sky, and I took a road trip down to Lane, Oklahoma (pert'ner the Texas border). Skyler was attending the Lane Frost Memorial Bullriding school instructed by World Champion bullrider, Mike Lee. Woah!!!

It was such a huge experience for all of us. 10 minutes before they started the coordinator asked if I would be the photographer because the official wasn't going to make it. I spent the next 3 days taking over 1,000 pictures in the 100+ temperatures and swelling in the humidity. I absolutely loved it and left there saying, "I wanna live here someday".

We came back and stayed extremely busy all through the county fair in mid-August. It was about his time that Kortney decided to attend MC's and move to Washington so for the last month she was here we immersed ourselves in activities and building our relationship. By the time she left I couldn't even be sad because I was so excited for the adventure she was about to be embark on. Being the oldest I have come to realize that I subconsciously carry a burden for each of my siblings. I knew Kortie wasn't a great place before she left and watching her soften her heart was so overwhelming! Ever since then I have had a resounding joy.

We have gone through a lot since she has left but it has been incredible. We have never been closer, I have never been more proud, and I have never loved her as much as I do now. She has become such a display of beauty and radiance of God's glory and I can't help but want to be like her someday! I think our relationship really launched a lot of things in me and I can say that I have never been so hungry or desired intimacy with my Father as I do now. It is beautiful!
Oh yeah, in November I took a trip out yonder to Washington to visit my sister for Thanksgiving and to spend time with my second favorite family ever.:) I have to admit, I was excited for the trip but had no idea what to expect. It far exceeded anything I could have imagined. Kort and I were able to break through and reach such a new level of closeness and open communication. I had such sweet fellowship with the Stevies and left extremely grateful for the connection with their family. Our families have been close for years but it was awesome to reach that on a personal level with them. I just love 'em!

As I look back and think of where I was at the beginning of the year, the process I went through to get where I am at now, I can't even begin to contain my excitement and anticipation for where the Lord is taking me from here. I have learned what pain is. I have learned humility and death to my flesh. I have learned what healing and forgiveness is. I have experienced His redeeming grace. I have learned how to prioritize. I have learned that my family is irreplaceable. I have learned to trust my dad and give him all of my heart. I have learned how to dance with my Father. I have felt what it is like to burn with desire. I have learned to let go of my dreams, in order that He may give me His. I have learned to love...but most of all I have learned to be loved by my Daddy...Can it get any better that that?

I know He has a huge calling on my life and won't allow me to settle on 'ordinary'. I am meant to be set apart, a standard barer to all those around me. I have the choice to look at my sin and be discouraged and regretful or to thank God for His grace and love. His grace is sufficient for me! The victory has been won and I am not to be condemned!!! In turn, I believe that He wants me to use my testimony as a direct example of His goodness. That is exactly what I intend to do.
So what are my 'goals' this year? To die to myself, put on beauty and grace, and let myself be a vessel to be used for His purposes alone....That His glory and love would shine so brightly, it would bring promise and hope to those around me. That should keep me busy for a while!